Sexiest Parts of Me
by BlackLore
Summary: She's realistic with distaste for fake. He's a plastic surgeon with a career of fake. Their worlds collide. So do their personalities and their opinions. But they soon find their views changing. Could they ever be more than just a clashing couple? AH, ExB
1. BallLess Men and Silicon Tits

**As every great aspect in this world arises, I got bored. This is just an introduction type chapter, I guess you could call it. Yeah, so, enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Sexiest Parts of Me<strong>

**Chapter One: Bell-Less Men and Silicon Tits **

"The sexiest parts of me? My brain, my spine, and my guts."

**Full(er) Summary:** _She's realistic with strong distaste for fake. He's a plastic surgeon who's made a career out of fake. Their worlds collide. And so do their personalities, and their opinions, and their beliefs and their morals. But they soon find their views changing. Could they ever be more than just a clashing couple? A Bella + Edward, All Human fanfic. Humourously romantic, with none of that soppy chick flick cliché._

Bella scowled at the couple seated at the table adjacent from her over the rim of her mug. A blonde twenty-something bombshell with outrageously implanted breasts and orange-tinged skin laughed flirtatiously at a remark the almost-thirty shaggy haired man said.

"This world is so corrupt," Bella sighed heavily. "I don't understand why people can't just invest in a pair of chicken fillets and eat a little less. Honestly, what's so hard about saying 'no' to that extra serving, or that twin-pack Moro bar? It might even save this shit poor population some money."

"Because we're a nation filled with idiots, lazy bitches, and whores," Rose answered, laced with sarcasm and coated with disinterest.

Bella's friend Rosalie didn't share the same opinions as Bella. She always blew Bella's rants off with a simple, indifferent, "each to their own." Bella huffed.

"Silicon tits," Bella grumbled. "Ball-less men. This is what our world has come to. Bunch of bloody morons." Rose shook her head, familiarly humored by her flat-mate's mutterings.

"Maybe that's why you're so sour towards it; because deep, deep, deep down, you're just jealous everyone else is getting some and you're not." Bella tried to ignore the double meaning of 'some' and glared at Rose.

"Get bent!" She shrilled defensively at her step-sister.

"Hey, each to their own," Rose settled. Bella huffed more exasperatedly, but let the topic drop, for now.

"How's Eric?" Bella tried.

"Hopefully making the most of his last hour of happiness. That bitch is about to get duuuumped." Rose dragged the last word out in a tune.

"He didn't complement you anyway," Bella said in support.

In way of agreement, Rose mumbled, "Hmmm." Sensing her distraction, Bella gave up on conversation, once again picking up her coffee mug and continuing to frown at the table adjacent to her.

Rose shivered when the cold air hit her cheeks. "Christ, it's colder in here than it is outside!" She huddled further into her feather-down jacket.

Bella waved Rose off, "you'll warm up soon."

They sidestepped through the throngs gathered at the concession stands and settled into one of the front rows of benches.

"Phaw, what a pair of poppers Jessica's got on her tonight," Bella exclaimed at the approaching woman's prominently pebbled nipples.

"Hey guys!" Jessica greeted when she neared.

"Hello, Jessica," Rose replied. She cleared her throat, waiting for Bella to reply.

"Bella?"

Bella dragged her eyes from the girls chest to her face, "Oh, my apologies, I was just about to say 'hi' back."

Jessica's mouth dropped open and Rose's eyes widened. "My, you're looking rather raunchy tonight, Jessica. Aren't you awfully cold, though?" Bella pushed on, her eyes drifting downwards to the obvious illustration.

"Well, I must admit that it just got a lot cooler in here. If you'll please excuse me," Jessica nodded to the ladies, mortification causing her to cross her arms over her chest and disappear into the crowd.

Rose tutted, "now, now, Bella; didn't your mother ever teach you to play nice?"

"She's lucky she's never met my mother," Bella affirmed with a scoff.

"If it weren't for number thirteen, Broten would've won that for us. Stupid, cursed numbers ruins shit for us all. The Test Icicles should've gone home with the victory tonight," Bella heaved forlornly.

"There's always next year," Rose said reassuringly. This was another reply Rose had used commonly over the years. She hoped that one day Bella would just choose to support a team that didn't blow.

"Moronic group of twits, no talen-" Bella was cut by a burly man falling into her, his boisterous cheers ceasing when he lost stability. Bella frowned.

"Excuse me," he smiled genuinely, stabilizing Bella by the arm.

The accompanying man came to stand beside him, "our sincerest apologies. My brother here is just too eager to celebrate his win." He flashed them a grin and held the door open for them to walk through.

"Number thirteen, huh?" Bella read off the burly man's jersey curtly.

"The one and only! And people say thirteen is an unlucky number. Superstitious bastards, right?" He nudged Bella playfully. She remained unimpressed.

"Well, you ladies have a nice night, won't you. Might see you round sometime," burly man winked at both girls, and the two men jumped about the car park, the celebration scaling back to its ultimate.

"No talent. Nothing!" Bella threw her hands up. "Rose?"

"Yeah, what?" She asked, her eyes elsewhere.

Bella gasped. "That is so not happening, he's the enemy!" She pointed at the now distant but still bold '13', reading Rose's reaction of the encounter.

Rose ignored her. "You know, I never did like being single for long."

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><p><strong>This is like the Shrimp Cocktail entree to the reeeeeally satisfying well-done Mixed Grill main. Hopefully.<strong>

**Please tell me what you think, criticism of all forms is accepted here. This is a no hate zone.**

**BL - x**


	2. Sex Secrets and Clean Routines

**Chapter Two:**

If it weren't for the aroma of melting butter and browning hotcakes that had wafted under the crack in Rose's door, her attitude toward being woken up by the incessant blaring during the definitely most satisfying climax of her definitely most enticing dream would've been bitterly sour. She currently sat at around peachy.

"Who spilt food on the range and didn't clean it up!" Bella demanded to the empty kitchen. "Lazy whores."

"Mmhh, that smells good, Bells. Granny's family recipe?" Rose sniffed appreciatively, fastening her robe around her waist.

"Sure is," Bella smiled, pressing on the pancake and flipping it down onto the plate. She dumped the dishes in the sink.

Rose began to wonder if the number of pancakes usually prepared on any normal morning she seemed to recall was a mistake, because the total she had come to was double digits, and more than a couple extra than what three measly cakes Bella had piled on to the plate sitting in front of her. She stared at her as Bella settled on a stool with lemon and cutlery.

Bella looked up. "What?"

"You really only made some for yourself?"

Bella bobbed her head; the beginnings of a smug smile tugging at the creases of her mouth. "That's what you get when you betray your bestest sister friend in the whole world."

"Is this about last night?" Bella nodded indignantly. Rose sighed dramatically. "Oh, _come on! _All I meant was that he was hot; it was a _joke!"_

"Liar! You'd say anything for Granny Swan's hotcakes!" Bella snatched the plate away from Rose's grabbing fingers.

"Be_lla_! You're acting like a five year old!" Rose's childish whining made Bella raise an eyebrow in amusement. "We could do this the easy way, or the hard way."

"Dead threat!" Bella cried out. "That mouth of yours isn't good for anything other than giving head."

It wasn't that Rosalie was athletic, or had an outstanding skill or stamina; it was that Bella had been hindered with a lack of co-ordination, and the knowledge of how to put one foot in front of the other without stumbling over objects either blatant or seemingly invisible. It was also still very early in the morning. That's what she tried to convince herself of anyway.

The hotcakes were the only survivors of the fall, and Rosalie picked it up daintily with merely but a small smile on her lips. "I'll clean up," she called after Bella when she glumly exited the room, a slight limp to her left.

_Forty minutes, _Bella thought to herself. _Rose always says it kicks in within forty minutes._ She dressed quickly.

Her laces were untied, her makeup a fleeting mascara application and her hair disorderly piled into a bun. Thirty minutes later Bella walked in to Rosalie obliviously humming Abba to herself through the still unnoticeable churning in her stomach – the early stage reaction. Rose pulled her arms out of the bubbles.

"You're ready early," she observed.

"Yeah, I wanted to make sure I got out of the house before it started," Bella replied, latching her watch.

"Before what started?"

Bella readied herself. "You know, for someone who is lactose intolerant, you should be able to taste the difference between normal and soy milk."

Rose froze. Her head snapped to Bella. "You fucking didn't!"

"Have fuuuuun." Dragging her bag from the counter, Bella hurried through the second story door, her own triumphant shrieks of laughter and Rose's violent threats following behind her.

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><p>"Just because I don't want to have sex with you doesn't make me a lesbian, Mike. It just makes you an asshole."<p>

Bella slammed the cupboard door so it clipped the tip of Mike's nose, cursing Mrs. Woods to hell silently within. There were two very strong, relevant and completely fair reasons why Bella had a more than generous dislike for the ancient Mrs. Woods. The first being that she was just an unpleasant, stroppy bitch who had no more interesting hobby in her existence than to make Bella's life a misery, and two, she had so many illness's that every second day was taken on sick leave. This left Bella with such substitutes as the one who stood before her, rubbing his nose and knitting his eyebrows, discouraged and frustrated by the impatient attitude Bella always took with him.

Mike huffed.

"Why don't you go mark tests or something? There _has _to be _something_ you're capable of doing." Bella slapped him away.

"Mrs. Woods took all her work home with her," Mike explained.

"Of course she did. Rancid old bag." Bella glared at the kettle, angrily drumming her fingers on the bench to stop herself from choking the boy beside her.

"Just think about the offer, Bella. We might even have some fun together," he said hopefully.

"Mike, I have a confession," Bella faked sheepishness. "You were right before."

"About what?" He knitted his eyebrows.

"About, you know… my sexuality." The end of the sentence, though whispered, had a greater effect on Mike than any other thing Bella had ever said to the poor boy.

"What! You mean you're a lesbian!" If Bella hadn't have known any better, she would've described Mike's tone of voice as a squeal. One of disbelief, and what she could only assume was the emotion which could be concluded as 'JACKPOT!'

"Oh, shove a cock in it, why won't you! I don't want everyone finding out!" Bella shoved a tea bag into Mike's mouth. He spat it out.

"Sorry." He fiddled his thumbs.

Bella glared at his hands and snapped: "Quit doing that and just ask already."

"Who with?"

"Well… you know my roommate, right?" Bella leaned closer.

"Who, Angela?"

"No. Rosalie."

"You mean your step-sister!" Mike screeched again.

"Hey, it's not incest if it's relation by marriage." With a cheeky grin Bella poured the boiled water on top of the ground coffee, stuck a teaspoon in her mouth and flounced from the room.

Through the disgust and fascination Mike was currently overcome with, he couldn't help but move the uncomfortable plank in his trousers, hoping to make his hormonally driven hard on less obvious.

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><p>The bell rang, so in a loud monotonous voice to be heard over the end of day raucous, Bella announced: "Exams coming up next week; you don't pass them, you don't pass your future. Study – God knows most of you need it."<p>

Her final class for the day filed out of the door, cigarettes already being pulled from pockets, bags and behind ears. She halted the stoner.

"Hand it over, Geoffrey," she held her hand out. He seemed torn, but put the joint in Bella's awaiting hand, unsubtly pulling another from his shirt pocket as he walked out of the room.

"I'll save that one for later," Bella mumbled to herself, storing it in her bra.

She hustled the days marking into her tote and flew it over her shoulder, rushing to avoid Mike. He'd been unpleasantly more observant at lunch break when Bella was on field duty, and Bella shuddered at the possible thoughts and visions that she imagined going through his mind.

Rosalie was sitting at the breakfast bar when Bella walked into the second floor kitchen. Bella smirked.

"Good morning?" At least having the decency to stifle her laughter.

Rose smirked back. "Indeed it was. Good detox. I feel tonnes lighter. I'm sure the toilet could reiterate that."

"No blood no foul, right?" Bella smiled, pleased Rose found the humour in the prank she had pulled in playful revenge.

"Speaking of toilets, who's turn is it to clean today?" It was a reenactment of Rosalie's reaction this morning that Bella's response consisted of. "You know, being the person who made the "Clean Routine", you should really remember when it's your week. I made sure to visit all toilet facilities." Rose smiled innocently.

"You dirty whore."

"Have fuuuuuuun."

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><p><strong>Thanks for all the adds to alertsfavourites! **

**So this main wasn't as long or well-written than expected, but hey, work and study have to be our top priorities, right? **

**Thanks - BL x**


	3. Unexpected Excretion

"I think my stomach just fell out my ass," Bella wheezed to Rosalie, grasping her arm in a pinch while dramatically faking fatally fainting.

Rosalie giggled at the stupidity, pulling Bella to a reasonably upstanding angle.

"Who's got your clit a'quivering?" Rose guessed, chucking a box of tampons into the cart.

"Who's got my _fist a'twitching," Bella corrected sternly, "is that oafish number thirteen," Bella growled, her eyes glaring at a silhouette in the distance._

"What are you on about?" Rose asked with distracted confusion.

"That Boar from hockey. Surely you must remember the reason why you spent all those hours on the loo yesterday," Bella smirked at the memory, her decency she once had of keeping her laughter to herself trounced by the greater option to guffaw in Rosalie's face.

Rose flicked her in the nose. She searched the aisle for the form she assumed was the product of Bella's attention, and let out a low moan.

"My, my, that boy is fine! Please, Bella, please, can't I make him mine?" She rhymed desperately at Bella.

"Easter's coming up – it would be so much easier to just buy _milk chocolate," Bella mused._

Rosalie didn't waver. "He's so rugged. And obviously big."

"Burning ring of fire."

"All over your toilet." Rose snapped. Bella growled.

Rosalie hadn't lied yesterday when she that she had taken a visit to every bathroom in the house. On the first floor Kate and Irina had angrily ignored Tanya for the night after Rosalie had planted the suspicion that it had been the strawberry-blonde waitress. On the second floor Angela had stuffed cotton buds into her nostrils, held onto her bladder while avoiding the room with a meter radius, and agitatedly, albeit slightly amusedly, laughed it off. On the third floor, Bella had cried. She'd entered her room, unsuspecting of the multitude Rosalie had gone to as a helping hand of karma. No amount of matches lit or cans of air freshener sprayed could cover or kill the smell. Bella cried some more as she moved the toilet scrub over the skid marks. She cried further when her lungs burnt from the little oxygen she could pull through the chemical mask, scarf and half box of tissues. She cried for the last time when she lay in bed that night and breathed in the odor of Rosalie's excretion.

"You ladies wouldn't happen to know exactly where the… '12-pack Libra Slim-Regular' tampons are, would you?" The voice broke through the hard and hostile stare shared between Rose and Bella.

The girls reactions differed dramatically at the face of the voice.

Bella replied snarkily: "Aisle _thirteen._

Rosalie had looked between the mans legs and asked with disappointment: "only slim-regular?"

"My sister's sick; I offered to do some shopping for her," he explained unnecessarily. "Aisle thirteen? Does this place have thirteen aisles?"

Rose laughed uncomfortably, moving to stand in front of Bella's cold glare.

"She's just kidding. Here," Rose offered the box of lady plugs from her own cart to the man, "take the-"

"Hey! I need those!" Bella interrupted, reaching to snatch them back. Rose shoved her into the nappies.

"Bella can just get some more.

"Thanks," he smiled, dropping them on top of his basket's contents.

"So, you said you girlfriend was sick?" Rose started unsubtly.

"No, no girlfriend. Just an ill, bossy sister," he laughed.

Rosalie laughed shyly in response. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?"

"I'm Emmett," he extended his hand.

"Rose," Rosalie held onto it for a couple of extra seconds.

"No side-kick today?" Rose questioned dumbly, lightly prodding Bella in the side.

"My brother, you mean? Nah, he's in surgery at the moment," Emmett continued when Rosalie nodded.

"Oh." She said, impressed.

Bella coughed loudly, obviously.

"Isabella, cover your mouth," Rose snapped, glaring at her before quickly turning back to Emmett with a smile.

"Well I better get these back to Alice, she'll be waiting," Emmett cut Rosalie off before she could get her next pathetic line out. "Might see you round some time." With a repeated line and smiling wave, he turned around and walked toward the checkouts

"I so had that. You and your fucking fake coughing." Rose grumbled, shoving Bella back into the nappies.

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><p>"Bella! Come see this!" Rose screamed out the lounge door.<p>

"I'll be there in a second!" Bella yelled back.

A few seconds passed.

"BELLA!"

"I'M ON THE TOILET!"

Bella rolled the paper around her hand.

"Wipe your ass and get it the fuck out here!" Rose crashed the door against the wall.

"What the fuck!"

"JesusfuckingChrist! What the fuck have you been eating! My eyes are fucking stinging!" Rose screeched, gagging out the door.

"I told you I'd be out in a minute!" Bella throttled a toilet roll at the still dry-retching Rose.

"Well hurry the fuck up! And light a fucking match while you're at it. You'll need the whole fucking box. Jesus."

Bella cut her relief short, flushing and scrubbing her hands, forgoing freshening the air with the wretched smelling can on the windowsill.

"You know not to interrupt a girl while she's dropping some timber. What do you want?" Bella threw herself down onto the sofa beside Rosalie.

"Look!"

Bella looked past her finger at the T.V, stopping short.

"Dr. Cullen Appearance and MediSpa clinic. Fast, painless and effective." The man on the screen said, clad in expensive designer clothing and a sterile white coat.

"And here I was, thinking he saved lives like some hero," Rose scoffed.

"Saving the lives of the ugly," Bella replied, with an exaggerated scoff. "What a fucking hero."

"He's a looker, isn't he?" Tanya fawned while walking into the lounge. "I went to him for a consultation one time."

"Of course you did," Bella muttered.

"What?"

Bella looked over to Tanya, "that's nice, I said."

"Didn't go through with it, though." Tanya continued.

Rose laughed and looked openly at Tanya's E-cup enhanced knockers.

"Well, not with his clinic, anyway," she finished.

"You know, Bella's been talking about looking into implants. Where is it, again?" Rose lied. Bella glared.

"It's in the Tower Junction, just as you go in. It's impossible to miss," Tanya told them.

"Thanks!"

When Tanya left the room, Rose turned to Bella.

"Tomorrow, we're going, so shut up your shit about it."

"It's Sunday tomorrow; I doubt it will even be open."

"Open seven days a week for your free consultation." The television projected.

"Fuck," Bella grumbled.

"Free feel of ya nunga's from a fittie. You've got nothing to lose."

"Just my dignity."

"Tramps don't have dignity." She laughed in Bella's face, dropping a cushion into it before running away from the war.

"Fucking nymphomaniac psycho!" Bella screamed at the retreating Rose. In response, Rose lifted her left hand, flipping Bella off, annoying her further.

Throwing another cushion at the face plastered on the T.V, Bella yelled exasperatedly into her clamped mouth, folding her arms tightly under her chest, glaring at the pushed up B-cup breasts with a bitterness as if her best friends had failed her.

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><p><strong>Thanks to all who read this story. <strong>

**As always, please let me know what you think. **

**- BL **


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